"Jay, everyone thinks they know music. Everyone has their own "expert" opinion. Aren't rock music experts just lonely dorks who have nothing better to do than rehash the past with over-analysis and far reaching superlative nonsense?"
Well maybe so, but that isn't going to stop me from stomping your yard musically speaking. I am going beyond simple opinion into the area of scientific fact. What I am going to do is methodically break down, with iron clad criteria, who exactly is the greatest rock band in history. This isn't some fanboy nonsense. I can honestly say that right now I have no idea who is the winner. None! Like any good scientist I have the a set of rules to follow that will lead me to a conclusion. I am throwing out bias and preconception here. What you are going to get is the definitive, once and for all, be all end all answer to the ultimate musical question. You may not like the answer. Hell, you may not like the question. But science isn't always pleasant. Sometimes it hurts. Sometimes it makes you rethink what you know. And sometimes it can change your whole world. So don't shoot the messenger. If you find yourself at odds with what is presented here, we will just have to agree that you are wrong. I'm not going to argue with science.So with out further ado, we'll begin. For those about to rock.....I salute you.
Criterion #1 Significant fan base.
This is an easy place to start. Any claim to greatness must come with a certain amount of support. Of course there will always be some uber fan who claims their band is number one. Certainly I have my pet bands, but I wouldn't be arrogant enough to thrust my opinion onto the rest of the world. For purposes of this list let's say that any "great" band must have hit the platinum mark at least once. Sp right off the bat we lose...
The Ramones ("Punk" never quite made it)
Suicidal Tendencies (See above)
Motorhead (Lemmy might be god, but his sales don't show it)
Criterion #2 Longevity/ Timelessness
You have to be able to point to a body of work that lasted beyond a few years to really be considered viable here. Most fads come and go quickly and the bands that lead them come and go as well. If the relevancy of a band is determined by the nature of what is popular for a few seasons then no matter how good the band was, they don't get to be the greatest ever. That lets us cut....
Most of the 90's really. This would include
Days of the New (one hit alternative wonder)
Candlebox (two hit alternative wonder)
Blind Melon (dead lead singer alternative wonder)
Faith No More (two many side projects)
Also the 70's takes a hit here
Boston (dated)
Styx (mr. roboto killed their fan base)
E.L.O (their beards were off putting)
And of course the 80's
Duran Duran (really I love Duran Duran. No, seriously, I do)
The Cars (Man I hated the song "drive")
Criterion #3 Fitting the Rock Genre
While we are on the subject. Rock music means "rock music." There are a lot of great bands out there who have rock influence, or start out as rock bands and transform into something else. It doesn't make them less as musicians or artists, but it does take away from the "rock" designation. When a band can be connected to a certain trend, time, place or movement, the are too easily defined as something other that rock music. If you have to use a modifier to explain the band then they lose. Pop rock, industrial rock, glam rock, ska, nu-metal...Sorry guys, you all lose. Therefore we cross off....
The Police (ska rock)
Pink Floyd (art rock)
Radiohead (electronic rock)
Rush (prog rock)
The Flaming Lips (not sure rock)
Criterion #4 Influence/ Originality
Any good band spawns admirerers, imitators and copycats. In some cases these bands surpass their inspiration in some cases not. The key here is noticing a band who borrows enough from a predecessor to evoke too many comparisons. Whatever accomplishments a band had, if they are too reminiscent of an old band, they can't be considered the best. So this lets us eliminate.....
Oasis (just like the beatles)
Queensryche (just like Pink Floyd)
Criterion #5 Too much too soon/ Big Hit syndrome
Often bands come seemingly from nowhere and dominate the scene for a while. That leads to one thing...Backlash. It's not their fault usually. Every band wants to have their stuff heard by as many people as possible. The shame of it all is that their is something good usually about these sorts of groups. Their usually is some level of talent or creativity that allows them to grab a hold of audiences for a while. The problem is that they become victims of their own success. As soon as they get so popular you hear them everywhere, and it just isn't novel anymore. It's usually the big hit that does it. It's that one song you can't escape that everyone (including your mom) seems to be singing. I'll list the big song for each of these bands....
Spin Doctors- Two Princes
Blues Traveler- Runaround
Dave Matthews- Satellite
Hootie and the Blowfish-Hold my Hand
Try getting those out of your head (again)
Criterion #6 Not too pretty
Real rock music is about how the music sounds, not how the band looks. Sure, having some cute band members helps to sell posters and fill the stadium, but when it comes down to it it's the music that matters. When the band members are as much sex symbols as musicians you got trouble. Bottom line, if people show up because the band is hot as often as they show up for the songs...They drop a notch. And here begins the controversy....
Motley Crue (Makeup)
Poison ( A lot of makeup)
Def Leppard (No makeup but pretty anyway)
Heart (Chicks without makeup)
and.....Led Zeppelin. Go ahead and hate me, but you know it's true. These were the original pretty boys of the hard rock scene. Don't believe me, look at this.
As good as they were there was way, way, way too much erotic nonsense going on here. Gonna give you every inch of my love? Really Rob, are ya?
Criterion #7 Band not Artist
The music takes a band to make. It takes a group of people coming together to make it work. There are some great artists out there. Really brilliant amazing people. And they exclude themselves from this list. Sorry, that's just the way it goes. If a person is a solo act with a different band behind them from time to time.... Gone. If the the band is so overshadowed by one person that most people can't name anyone else on the stage....gone. If the band is frequently introduced as "Main person's name" and the "whoever's"....gone....That gets rid of
Bruce Springsteen (And the E street who?)
Eric Clapton (Eric Clapton and Cream, and the Yardbirds, and Blind Faith, etc)
Dave Matthews (quick, name anyone else in the band)
David Bowie (Really, was anyone else ever needed?)
Jimmy Hendrix (I know, you Noel Redding fans are pissed. Sue me.)
Ozzy (and a cast of thousands)
Megadeth (19 members and counting)
Criterion #8 Death/ Loss of a main member.
When tragedy strikes bands either do one of two things. They fold, or they carry on. Folding is usually the best option. While we don't want to see a band dominated by one member, it's even worse to see a band continue as if nothing has changed. Isn't it weird to see a band sing a song that was written or played by a absent member. It's just creepy. Particularly devastating is if the member was the lead singer or guitarist. Sure you can replace a keyboardist or drummer, but the main two...not happening. For every band that pulls it off AC/DC (Bon Scott-Brian Johnson) you have several that don't Van Halen (David Lee roth-Gary Sherrone. Haggar was pretty good) We can safely get rid of.....
The Doors (Jim died and so did the band)
Soundgarden (Chris Cornell left for Audioslave thereby destroying two bands)
Queen (Like the Doors, only with Freddy Mercury)
Nirvana (Kurt left us in Courtney's hands and you saw how that went)
Van Halen (Gary Sherrone, really?)
Black Sabbath (Ozzy replaced by Ronnie James Dio)
Lynnard Skynnard (Half of the band died in a plane crash. And then we got the singer from 38 special)
AC/DC (Man it's hard to eliminate these lovable idiots)
Criterion #9 Overstaying your Welcome
By far the worst element of Rock music is the band that doesn't know when to quit. I can't blame them for not wanting to give up, but you have to know your limits. People only have so many good ideas in them. Something about the fire inside that drives people to be great in the first place eventually lets us down. Inevitably we start comparing the new version to the old version, and the old version is always fresher, stronger and more relevant. Bands do one of five things late in their careers that get them kicked off.
1. Replace most of the original members
Kiss (every album has a new guitarist and drummer)
2. Do solo projects or take new directions that diminish the old stuff
The Kinks (come dancing with the Kinks?)
Metallica (Anything after the Black Album just doesn't cut it)
3. Let their causes overshadow their music
U2 (from Sunday Bloody Sunday to Discotheque Wow. )
Rage Against the Machine (Zach is off freeing children from slave labor)
4. Piss off their audience
Guns and Roses (Chinese Democracy my ass)
Jefferson Airplane (or Jefferson Starship, or starship. Whatever. We built this city? Blech)
5. Try to pretend they still got it
Aerosmith (Cheesy rock ballads)
The Rolling Stones (see below)
Sorry Stones fans. I love 'em too but the hourglass ran out a long time ago. When you are 60 you are not rock stars anymore. Nothing is worse than an old man prancing around like he's 20. Does anything the stones have done in the last 20 years even come close to "paint it black" or "sympathy for the devil?" No. Sorry, but no.
Criterion #10 Attitude
Rock music is not nice, it is not pretty, it is not tame, and it is no place for nice guys. When you think of rock musicians, what do you think of? Loud abrasive awful people. Hotel room trashing, hard partying, bad mannering (not really a word) nonsense. In short, the way you would like to act if you weren't an intelligent, forward thinking productive member of society. Rock musicians are not people who you want over for dinner. They aren't necessarily people you want in your town. The attitude is what makes the music. It's the energy that grabs you, gets you excited and gets the blood pumping. What keeps some bands from being the best is the perception of being nice guys, or having a soft side. Sometimes this perception is at odds with reality, sometimes it is not. Either way, you want to be the best? Act like it. With a heavy heart I am eliminating.....
The Beach Boys (nice and cuddly)
Pearl Jam (Eddie and the boys are trying to save the world)
and.....I can't believe I am doing this........oof....This is hard.......
The Beatles.
I don't want to do this. I love the Beatles. I always have. Taking them out of the running seems foreign to every instinct I have. I said at the start this might be painful. It is. But I can't argue with science. I only can interpret the data.
So it's been a long road. I'm sure there are some hard feelings. I'm sure some dreams are shattered, some feelings hurt. But now that the dust has settled, there can be only one. So I am pleased to give you the greatest rock band of all time..
(Drum roll)
Twisted Sister
Let's break it down. They had a huge fan base. The music is as pertinent as it ever was. They fit the genre. The didn't explode on to the scene. The are not pretty guys. The band stayed mostly intact. The got out before they screwed it all up. And they definitely had the attitude. So scientifically they win. Who would have thought? I also have to give them credit. When brought before congress to testify before Al "rock legend" Gore, Dee Snider vehemently opposed any sort of censorship on music. He also went on to inform the assembled distinguished panel that the naem of the official fanclub for his band was the S.M.F.F.O T.S. That stands for the Sick, mother fucking friends of Twisted Sister. Still to this day I believe that Dee is the only person (excluding Dick Cheney) to utter those words in that setting. Solid. So to mark the occasion here is a bit of video goodness. Enjoy.
2 comments:
*ahem*....
updates????
Excuse me for posting a comment 7 months after the original post date, but, well, I didn't know you then.
I will say that in Criterion #5 you neglected to include in your elimination list: the mother-effin Counting Crows: Mr. Jones, anyone? Chart topping (bleck) hit that yes, even your mom was singing. (Try not having that gem dancing around your brain now for the next 2 days. again, bleck horf.)
And also, the Black Crowes: Jealous Again. Need I say more, really?!
It just occurred to me that these bands also fit Criterion #9.
I love your deductive logic in this piece, as well as the title. :)
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