Here's another clue for you all...The Walrus was Paul

So here I am sitting at home minding other people's business when this headline pops up.

"McCartney's hybrid gets 4 miles a gallon."



A-ha this is the sort of thing that grabs me. As I suspected it really was just a silly, possibly snarky, analysis of Sir Paul's new luxury vehicle and the energy required to get it to him. O.k, doing some real analysis led me to two conclusions.

1. Some people like to be smart assy
2. Either Paul McCartney or Lexxus has missed the boat on being "green."

I'm not going to get into the article in any depth. Basically, when you factor in the gas taken to get his new Lexxus to his home, it was, in scientific terms, an ass load. I dismissed the article as some fairly harmless smug celebrity bashing, but something caught my eye. His new luxury, V-8, Lexxus gets a whopping 19 miles to the gallon. 19. No really, 19. So, when compared to even the shittiest non hybrid cars coming out these days, Paul is stopping for gas more often then the rest of us.

I have cut Paul some slack over the years. His status as the co-driving force of arguably (not really an argument) the greatest band in the history of music has carried some water with me. Sure his solo career lately has been a little lack luster. Sure he has seemed to betray his own principles in some of his business dealings. Sure he married a crazy one legged woman. But hey, he is Paul McCartney. That has to count for something.

I guess what gets my goat here is that he seems to be making a statement fot the environment. The problem is, it's a shitty statement. His car gets less mpg than my crappy old Hyundai. True, I didn't set the world on fire with songs like "Hey Jude," or "Helter Skelter," but I can drive to a show far more cheaply than he can. Considering that our gas prices here, while clearly ridiculous, are still much less than in England, I got him beat both ways. From what I gather, the car was a gift to him from Lexxus. So maybe the real culprit here is them. The overall message seems to be, "Paul is a fancy man who has spoken about the environment in the past., so he will get an ultra luxury vehicle that gets shitty mileage, albeit less shitty than if he got the standard version." It's kind of like recycling half of your plastic bags and then saying, "but you should see how wasteful I used to be." Maybe I am jumping to conclusions.

This whole thing has got me thinking about my environmental impact. My "carbon footprint" if you will. Let's see how I am doing.

1. First things first.

No companies have sent me cars lately. Or ever for that matter. So as far as emissions from various shipping methods go, I am in the clear. My mail is sent along with other people's, any goods I buy are shipped in mass and I am not jet setting around the world.

My score.. Negligible


2. Paper vs. Plastic?

Poly Propylene thanks. Yes I am one of those forward thinking, slightly effeminant looking guys toting around a reusable shopping bag. I hate to say it, but it does make me look a little girly. Not that there is anything wrong with that. Girls tend to be smarter on a whole lot of this stuff. But I notice the other men looking at me. In their minds they are saying, "hey nice handbag little lady. can you get that to the car yourself, or do you need a man to help?" Then they drive off in their suv's, pound their chests and sniff each other's butts. At least that's how I imagine it. I heard once that there is a Texas sized chunk of trash in the Pacific Ocean. Just the plastic bag part is as big as Idaho or something. I believe it. I think most of it came from under my sink. I thought I was as normal as anyone else but I opened the door under my sink one time and a wad a plastic Walmart bags came billowing out. It was like that scene in Raiders of the Lost Ark when the boulder rolls after Indy, sealing the entrance to the cave and blocking if off for all of eternity. Just like that actually. I wasn't sure how I was going to get back in and several angry natives starting shooting poison darts at me. But now that's all over. I carry my man purse to the store and load 'em up. Ironically the store cashiers are not on board yet. I usually have this sort of conversation.

Paper or plastic.
Here ya go (handing over bags)
Um.....I don't have a price on these.
No, I'm not buying them, they are mine.
But there is no upc. This don't come up in the system.
No, don't scan them, put my things in them.
So you brought these in with you?
Yes.
So the rest of this stuff, paper or plastic?

Or something like that. I'm still winning in principle.

My score. 3 or 4


3. Gas

I have recently been taking the bus to work. I think it's a hybrid bus. Just kidding. But no matter how awful and inefficient the bus I ride is, it is better than dozens of people getting into their own cars. And judging from the people I see on the bus, I assume the cars they drive would be complete shit. Plus I get a fringe benefit from riding the bus. The people watching is fantastic. I am a creative guy, but I couldn't have come up with this actual conversation I heard last week.

Man I hope this umm...weather lets up. I don't like the rain. I like it 80 and sunny.
Yeah?
Hey, ummmm....you need any ummmmm......AA batteries for anything?
Well, maybe....
Cause I have like um.....about.....122 of them.
Why do you have so many batt.....
Dollar General has 'em in 24 packs for like ummmm.....4 dollars
I see....
You can never have too many....um.....AA batteries......Or too few.
I see

That's a transcript people. It's even better when you here the guys voice. And that is only one of many complete lunatics wandering the public transport system.

My score -1 or something

4. Recycling

Ok. Honestly I mean well. I take my milk jugs and plastic bottles back. It's just that, there used to be a tangible benefit. I'm not saying it's not important, it's just that recycling used to have a benefit apart from the environment. That benefit was money. Deposits for cans and bottles was something I grew up with. When you got done you took them to the store and they gave you a nickel for every can and a dime for every bottle. So in practical terms, with a little leg work you could make some pretty decent scratch. Even in college where the deposit was only 5 cents a bottle you made out well. Here's a case study from back when I was in school..

My roommates and I used to drink old style (the beer of Wrigley Field!)


Now the math is pretty simple. Follow these basic equations.
1 case = 24 bottles.
24 x .05 = 1.20
1.20 x 7 = 8.40
1 new case of Old Style = 7.69
7.69 x 1.07 (for tax) = 8.22
8.40 > 8.22

So when you take back 7 cases of bottles your 8th case was free. That's math you can really use! With that sort of incentive, who wouldn't return empties to a recycling center? Later in life I found the convenience and financial rewards were constantly decreasing. I spent some time in St. Louis (where they actively dislike Wrigley Field) and not only did they not give you any money when you recycled, they also didn't even want your empties. We had to drive (seriously) 10 to 15 miles to a recycling center. And initially we weren't even sure where it was. When we would ask people, the directions were something like,

"well, go down 21 and get off on the access road, then hang a left by where the tie rod factory used to be, and when you think you gone too far go another mile then ask Clem who is usually out on his tractor this time o' day, and he'll direct you to a dirt road that goes through the National Guard firing range and when you see the sign that says beware of the leopard you are only a little ways off."

That of course was several years back. I'm sure by now they have gotten rid of the leopards.

My score 8.22 a case

So if we add up all my stats and compare them to the average consumer (or Paul McCartney) I think I am way ahead. At least I feel way ahead. At least I am doing something about the problem. Well at least I am aware that there is a problem. So in relation to most of our politicians I am a regular genius here.