The journey consisted of primarily two parts. The initial trip from Columbia to Minneapolis (approximate time 7 hours) And the actual driving around Minneapolis looking for things (approximate time a million skillion years) Let's start with the first part.
There is nothing difficult about getting from Columbia Missouri to Minneapolis Minnesota. You can probably take any highway going north and eventually show up there. According to mapquest (motto: yeah, we're almost accurate!) The trip was a simple matter of getting to Des Moines and then continuing straight north. There are two main ways of doing this. The first involves driving west to Kansas City and then North through Des Moines until you reach Minnesota. This is the the easiest way. It involves exactly two highways which are of the interstate variety.
*Historical note. In 1956 Eisenhower finally pushed through the Federal Aid Highway Act. This allowed for our modern highway system. Basically he was pissed that driving across any length of America took forever and required you to stop in any podunk town that was in the way. In his mind the interstate system would provide a quick an easy exodus from major cities when the Russians attacked. (I'm not making this up). Now if Ike could have imagined the gridlock in D.C. today he might have scrapped the idea all together. But his lack of foresight led to the eventual interconnected nature of modern travel. Before that a trip from Missouri to Minnesota would have involved regular highways rural roads and possibly the Mississippi river. Ok enough digression.
The other route involved taking a bunch of little roads that zig-zag through Missouri and the fist half of Iowa. In the spirit of Louis and Clark the second route was chosen. I mean honestly what sad sack just wants to see interstate for 7 hours? Part of the adventure is seeing little towns where real Americans live. Towns with signs that read "Welcome to Wartsville! Home of the Acme catheter factory."
Aside from the culture it also seemed to make sense mathematically. If you look at a map like the one below.
Notice the handy labels I have included. If you remember your high school algebra it's really simple. A squared plus B squared equals C squared which means if we carry the one, and er....calculate the um....factoring for pi...ok I don't remember what it means. But we took the Hypotenuse which seemed like the best idea.
The trip through Missouri was relatively uneventful. Instead of Missouri Interstate stuff (i.e. Adult Superstore billboards- Live girls! CDL welcome!) we saw some good ol' Americana. When you stay away from small towns you forget what real America is like. Then of course when you drive through real America you remember why you stopped driving through. I'm not being elitist here. I come from small town America. (Fort Dodge, Iowa. motto: Wait'll you see our prison!)
I know what it's all about. But after the hundredth mom and pop you see you get the idea. Yes, we know you have country lawn ornaments. Ooh Amish candy, this is our lucky day!
All in all, the time you save by driving fewer miles is eaten up by having to stop at stop lights every 50 miles or so and watching the rust colored pickup in front of you with the Osama Yo' momma bumper sticker. But like I said Missouri was ok. We really only took one or two roads. Highway 63 (motto: We'll pave it when we're good and ready) and a couple of smaller ones. But when you go north from Missouri inevitably you hit......
That's right people. Land of my youth. Heartland of America. A place where the corn flows like wine. Now the story starts to heat up. Once you hit Iowa you take about a million highways. My conversation with Elizabeth while we were driving went something like this.
"Yeah 163 to 202. Then through Middleville on to 2 which leads to 5. 5 takes us through Swamptown where we connect with 14 which takes us past the rendering plant. Then we connect with 30 which goes by the denture factory and then..........."
So you get the idea. One thing I will say about Iowa is that they take take thier road work seriously. When I say seriously, I mean slowly and all at once. Every road we went on had a crew working. Working of course in the not literal sense. Pretty much two guys each with a combination slow/stop sign. Several times we sat for brief stretches while the line of cars behind us stretched all the back to the tractor museum. But we got a chance to bask in the scenery and discuss how the sign guys name had to be either Clem or Ernie. My bet was on Ernie.
Now is the time I should tell you about my first mistake. Knowing that I was going to be using my eyes for various things on the trip, (seeing things mostly) I had put into place a foolproof plan. When I got up, I would put in my contacts and pack an extra pair just in case. For those of you who like foreshadowing take the following multiple choice test.
a. Jay brought extra contacts
b. Jay forgot extra contacts
c. Jay forgot extra contacts and realized 35 minutes into the trip that his left contact had a big rip in it.
Did you guess c? Good! Give yourself 10 bonus points! So keep in mind when I say things like bask in the scenery, what I mean is, squint at things. It's not so bad. Your eyes adjust and eventually you don't even miss the depth perception. But I really didn't need to use my eyes to their fullest until we hit Ames.
Ames was a place where I spent a few years drinking and occasionally attending classes. I have fond memories of the town. I remember watching concerts from the roof of our house. I remember late nights talking with friends. I remember knocking over a lady cop during Viesha. (long story) So I felt it was a fine place to stop, reminisce and most importantly eat. We stopped on Duff Avenue on the basis that it was the closest silly named street we could find. Elizabeth is a vegetarian so we looked for a restaurant without the words "steak" burger" or "drive thru" on the sign. We settled at Applebee's (motto: not great but familiar) and had some lunch. Elizabeth had a meatless lunch and I countered with a ridiculously oversized burger. I know, I try to avoid burgers these days, but menus are getting out of hand. The only thing recognizable are burgers. This is an actual menu listing
"Warm slices of oven-roasted turkey topped with a savory red onion & cranberry chutney, Applewood smoked bacon, melted Swiss and mayo. Served on a toasted rosemary ciabatta roll."
I don't recognize several words in there. Spell check doesn't even know them. I am afraid I will order something and then will hear laughter from the kitchen.
"Really! He ordered chutney? HA HA HA HA! Ciabatta? Doesn't the idiot know that's made from recycled tires? HA HA HA!"
But I ate, and eventually when I stopped sweating cholesterol we decided to go. And this was where I started driving......
3 comments:
"Warm slices of bacon-roasted bacon topped with a savory bacon & cranberry bacon, Applewood smoked bacon, melted Swiss and bacon. Served on a toasted bacon ciabatta roll. With a side of bacon."
This sounds much better (and familiar) to me!
Yes. Cut this fancy new age nonsense. Broasted fennel shoots with sauteed prawns doesn't sound like food to me. I would eat a peanut butter and jelly but they describe it as Whole grain baked wheat slices with nut protein and fruit sauce.
You DO realize you just said "nut protein", right?
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