Blame it on the Bossonova. The dance of love

Every once in a while I notice links to "relationship experts " on yahoo or other such sites. Usually I read them for the sheer entertainment value. Generally they are full of generic and/or useless advice. (Be sincere? Really? Who would have guessed?) Realistically, each person is different so advice broad enough to cover everyone is most likely too vague or impersonal to really help. I'm sure that these folks mean well, but when you think about it, their title is kind of implausible. It's a paradox if you really think about it. To be an "expert" on something, you have to have a significant amount of experience. So logically an expert on successful relationships would have to have had many successful relationships. But if you have had a lot of relationships wouldn't that imply that any individual relationship didn't last all that long? So by a reasonable standard of success, the longer someone is able to maintain a relationship, the more successful they are. But this means less relationships to draw experience from, which in turn means less knowledge.

Think about it this way. Take a couple who has had a happy lifelong relationship. Ask them what the secret is and they will tell you what worked for them. It's probably good advice given their expert status right? Wrong! They will give you advice that would be great help if you wanted to date either of them. This is not a good idea, particularly if you chose your grandparents to ask the question to.

Now look at the other side. Find someone who has had a lot of relationships. You know people like this trust me. Certainly they can tell you what not to do, but do you really want advice from someone who hasn't been able to make a relationship last in many, many tries? Doing something repeatedly doesn't necessarily make you an expert or even any good at it. Trust me, the Chicago Cubs have been playing baseball for over a century using this exact method.

So where are we left? No experts, but no lack of people wanting to give and receive advice. I think it all started with Dear Abbey, Years ago, Pauline Phillips was an unemployed lady who didn't like the local advice column in her newspaper. She went in, complained, and soon found herself as the new advice columnist. She took the pen name "Abigale Van Buren" after our 8th president Martin Van Buren. She did this on the theory that if there was someone who we all could trust it was a mediocre president who was voted out after one term and was the basis for Grandpa on the Munsters.



Not to be outdone, her sister got a column of her own under the name "Ann Landers." Apparently the prevailing notion of the time was if you had a problem, the best course of action was to have a complete stranger with no formal education publicly berate you. The typical Abby column goes like this.


Dear Abby,

My boyfriend tried to sell me to human traffickers from a third world country. They wouldn't take me because of all of the bruises so now he has me locked in a cabinet in our root cellar. Plus he's Jewish and I'm Catholic. I'm wondering, should we get married?

Confused in California.


Abby would typically respond in a straight forward, snippy, Judge Judy sort of way. The scary thing here is that people actually valued her advice. I don't think she was a bad person or necessarily gave bad advice, but if you take advice from a person whose entire analysis of you is from a two paragraph blurb, you deserve what you get.

And that is where we are today. There are columns about health, money, horoscopes, gardening, and most of all relationships. Nowadays they call people like this relationship advisers or dating experts or even (blech) life coaches. And it's more of the same.


Dear (Whoever)

My boyfriend is pressuring me to get married. The other day I came home and found him sleeping with both my sister and my mother. He also emptied my savings account and killed my dog. Often he will break a rib of mine to "get my attention." My main problem is, we can't seem to agree on a pattern for our dishes. I want "early colonial," and he prefers a monster truck motif. What do I do?

Dipshit in Dallas


Years back, we wouldn't have bothered with any of this. Just imagine in caveman times one caveman guy going up to another and saying, "gee ugg, if you really want to understand your girlfriend you have to be sensitive and know when she needs to be held close and when she needs her space. Remember a relationship is like a team and each member has to do their part and work together."

Do you think Ugg would be receptive to this? Of course not. First of all he wouldn't have understood English and second he would have just clubbed the first guy in the head and dragged him to his cave. I base this on the theory that in artist's conceptions of the time cave men and women looked almost exactly alike and there would almost certainly be some confusion.

Where is all of this leading you ask? Hell if I know. But I do know a few things. I am just as qualified to give advice as any of these dating consultants. So I will share the knowledge I have learned over the years. You can trust me, I'm an expert.


Early on


- Striking up a conversation

Odds are you will want to get to know someone before starting a relationship with them. Usually a good way to do this is to have a conversation with them. If you met someone a a dance club you can disregard this. What you are saying if you are at a dance club is, "If I wanted to speak with you, I wouldn't have come to a place with such loud, gawd-awful music. Now come here so we can grope each other."

If you do find yourself in a more suitable environment you will need some things to discuss. Here are a few ideas.

Things to discuss- Common interests, Careers, Goals, Politics
Things not to discuss- Diseases, Exes, Birth Defects



-First Date

Provided you did not meet this person in a dance club, this person is still a virtual stranger and you haven't slept with them yet. The goal here is to get to know them while enjoying a pleasant and fun evening together.

Good date ideas- Parks, movies, parties, bars
Bad date ideas- Monster truck rallies, rumbles, your parole office



-Intimacy

Sooner or later one of you will make your move. Again, dance club...disregard. Timing is crucial here. There are definitely right and wrong places to "make out." Picking the wrong one can be the kiss of death for a relationship.

Good Places- On a romantic walk, under a moonlit sky, on a picnic blanket
Bad places- Church, at a parents house, funerals.


-Couplehood

So now you are a couple. You've been together for a while things are going reasonably well and you both feel like staying together. Remember, you're not out of the woods yet. All couples experience problems. The key is to recognize them and find solutions.


-Problems

Problem- Arguments
Good Solution- Talk through any problems and find common ground
Bad Solution- Choking or body slams

Problem- Falling into a rut/ Lack of excitement
Good solution- being creative and open to trying new things
Bad solution- Anything involving the cops

Problem- Trust/Infidelity
Good solution- Not jumping to conclusions, Talking about concerns, Forgiveness
Bad solution- Retribution sex, hit lists

Problem- Fear of commitment / Apprehension
Good solution- Reassurance, understanding,
Bad solution- fake pregnancy, forced imprisonment

Chances are you have experienced some or even all of these problems. The good news news is you worked them out like rational, caring adults. Who are we kidding? At some point you got sick of each other and broke up. Well there are right and wrong ways to do that too.



-Breaking up

Option 1-It's not them, it's you.

Everyone has heard this at some point. "No really, I think you are great. It's just me right now. You know, things are complicated. I think I just need some time." This is a a way for people to be polite. What people are trying to say here is that the would rather be buried alive than stay another minute with you. Don't take it personally. Not every relationship will succeed. The key here is to remember that even though you did your best, it wasn't nearly good enough.


Option 2- We should take a break.

This might seem like a reasonable and welcome option. Yes, and if you wish hard enough a unicorn will ride a rainbow to your front door with a cure for cancer. The underlying message here is, "I like you, I just don't want to be around you for a while. Provided something better doesn't come along maybe we'll get back together sometime in the distant future."


Option 3- I think we should see other people

Giving your "other" a chance to see what else is out there might ultimately strengthen your relationship if they are reassured that you are the right one, right? Wrong. It's like your boss saying, "I'll hire you, but I am going to keep interviewing other people. Don't get too comfortable, I'll most likely find someone better."


Option 4- It's just not working out.

Get some balls, or the female equivalent and say it. I'm sure most people want to avoid hurting someone's feelings, but in the long run doing it any other way makes you look like an ass and the other person feel even worse. Unless you are 15 and can be expected to be immature, man/woman up and do the right thing.



Understanding men and women

It is a misconception that people are hard to figure out. The vast majority will almost always select on the basis of attractiveness first. Write this in stone. Part of it is genetic. People select mates on finding the best available partner in a given group. When prompted, men will usually admit to this. Women, will never admit this to men but privately will fess up after they have drank enough. Look at this example.


Let's be honest, who are the folks getting dates here? I could probably be persuaded to sleep with either of the people on the left. I'm just sayin! Men and women both will give more respect, creedence, and forgiveness to people they are attracted to. How many times have you seen a guy or girl putting up with a boatload of shit from their attractive partner? You know why pretty girls and hot guys act so terribly? Because they can. It's true! From the time you are born people treat the cute ones better. Look, no matter who you are your mom will think you are hot stuff. Don't blame her, it's her job. If you were born with feathers and a tail your mom would still talk about how beautiful and precious you are. And why wouldn't she? After going through all of the bother to get you here, you think she is going to think you are not amazing? The point is, the rest of the world is less forgiving. I'm not saying beauty is the only thing we care about, but it is the first thing. It's a lot like buying a car. Your eye is drawn to a model you like, then you see if the features are ok. And like picking a car, you have to know your price range. When dating you will definitely find that you have your limits. Notice how couples are generally of similar attractiveness? Yeah, I did too.

I wouldn't want to leave the impression that men and women are exactly the same. That of course is silly. Studies have shown that women are more attracted to successful men who can provide and men still are pretty much stuck with the attractiveness thing. Researchers have observed who men and women select in dating situations and they found that overwhelmingly regardless of what traits they claim to like, men pick the most attractive and women will pick attractive and successful. Again, it's biology. In a way we are predestined to like what we like. Let's say you are Brad Pitt. If you actually are Brad Pitt, then you are a step ahead of the rest of us. You are married to Jennifer Anniston. From the outside perspective you are married to one of the most successful and desirable women on the planet. What do you do? You obviously pick an even more successful and desirable woman. So fair play to Brad. Let's face it. Neither of those women would sleep with me at gunpoint even though I have a sense of humor and am quite sensitive which are the two things women say they desire most. In their defense he's Brad Pitt and I look more like Anthony Michael Hall. Plus I can barely afford to buy any of the movies he gets paid 20 million for. So really it all works out. I'm here writing blogs while Brad and Angelina are giving birth to children so attractive they just stride from the womb on rays of sunshine and happiness. I'm not bitter, I'm just sayin.

So there you have it. That 's about the extent of my knowledge. I feel better, how about you? I hope you all have luck in dating and relationships. Remember it's hard, but in the end if you try hard enough and put in the time and really make it a priority, and are selfless, caring, and compassionate.....you still won't get Brad or Angelina. Take it from an expert.