Hey there everybody. I realized today that is has been something life almost 2 months since I posted anything here. So…..how have you been? Well life has been busy for me. School, movin, bombing at standup comedy. You know the usual. Since I have been on a 40 day secular Lenten fast from blogging, today I will come back with a flood of current events. You ready, I know I am.
July 20-July 26th
Where to begin? This week saw the biggest opening for a movie ever with "The Dark Knight." I was maybe the last person on the planet to see this film. Really. I sat there and heard news reports everyday about how some village in Africa was projecting the film onto a rhino's back because they don't even have a theater and they still beat me to it. Call me a nerd but I saw it twice. Yeah it was really friggin' good.
Hurricane Dolly strikes the mainland United States which led thousands of newspaper editors to simultaneously decide that "Hello Dolly!" would be a funny headline. As a general rule newspaper editors are not a funny bunch.
Barrack Obama speaks in front of 200,000 people in Germany. In a response to this, John Mcain was seen at a German sausage house in Minnesota. This would be a solid joke except for the fact that this is true.
Analysis: Good week for me, aside from the hurricane thing. But I live in the midwest so really until there are seasonal tornados in Columbia I think I'm ok.
July 27th-August 2nd
Jim David Adkisson stormed into a Unitarian church in Tennessee during a children's production of Annie. Adkisson killed two people with a shotgun and wounded 7 others. He admitted to targeting the church because of their tolerant policy towards liberals and homosexuals. Honestly you would have thought if he hated gays that much he would have waited until there was a performance of West Side Story. Look, I know making fun of people who have died is not funny. Well, sometimes. But anyway. This fellah was a certified nutcase. I'm not just saying that because they found copies of books by Michael Savage, Glen Beck and Sean Hannity in his home, although that's a good reason in and of itself.
In other anti liberal news, George W. Bush signed into law the Housing and Economic Recovery Act. This was designed to halt the subprime mortgage crisis and instill confidence in Fannie May and Freddy Mac. It really worked well and a full scale bailout of the two institutions was averted. . No wait I'm just bullshitting.
Two rescue workers died trying to find survivors of a lost expedition on K2 in the Himalayas. I know people like to climb things but let's be honest here. When a giant sheet of ice breaks off a mountain that you are climbing and kills several people at once, it's kind of nature's way of saying "stop fucking with me."
Analysis: Church killings bad, dead mountaineers bad, failed legislation and financial crisis bad. But I think the weather was also a bit cooler.
August 3rd -August 9th
In anti-terrorism news, the former driver of Osama Bin laden is found guilty of a few of the many, many counts against him. It was a bit hard to get revved up about a glorified chauffer, but I guess it's a start.
Also, the FBI names Bruce Ivans, a former scientist is responsible for the Anthrax attacks. Warning..foreshadowing ahead…This story doesn't necessarily turn out well.
Later in the week the Olympics kicked off. If you didn't see the opening ceremony then consider yourself a silly, silly goose. It was a million hours long and featured tens of thousands of performers. Seriously, after seeing how good a ceremony can be it made me reconsider my views about living in an authoritarian society. Seriously… wow. I thought China only produced Sam's choice products and toys with toxic materials. When they put their minds to it though... Shiii-iiit!
Analysis: Let's see the terrorists have to drive themselves around, the anthrax mailer (alleged) is off the streets and the Olympics are rolling. Much better than the previous week.
August 10th – August 16th
Michael Phelps started his run towards Olympic gold medal history. Man, I want to be in the Olympics. There has to be a sport that I am good enough in. I thought I was pretty good at ping-pong but then I saw the Chinese women play. Hoooo-leeeeey shiiiiiiiit. They are better than I ever, ever, ever could be. By the way the Polish women involved in the Olympics might be the sexiest group of women ever. I'm not trying to be sexist here. I'm sure they are great at their sport and probably smart and worthwhile in other endeavors, but aesthetically? Whee-haa! To be fair I will take a quick look at the men's Polish athletes and objectify them in the same way. Hmm….ok…..yeah, they are hot as well.
In other good news, Mark David Chapman, the guy who shot John Lennon, was denied parole for the fifth time. You know what? Fuck him. It's pretty well certain he was crazy when he did it, but still. He killed a Beatle. He goes to jail. That's a rule somewhere.
Analysis: Polish girls are really hot.
August 17th-August 23rd
In the Olympics Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt easy wins a handful of gold medals. Like him or not I think he might have one of the most appropriate sporting names ever. "Bolt." And he's a sprinter. His parents were either fortune tellers or just very lucky. His name easily wins for sports monikers over turn of the century boxer Jeremiah Headpuncher and the world famous shot-putter Clarence Bigguywhocanthrowshit.
The U.S. and Poland agree to place a missile defense shield in Poland. I hereby volunteer to travel to Poland to help sell the idea to any net related team sport athletes who might have reservations. (hint hint)
Presidential Candidate Barack Obama picks Joe Biden as his running mate. Biden is widely seen as an experienced politician who would be a capable and effective 2nd in command. Presumably the Republicans will pick someone of similar caliber.
Analysis: Seriously, I will go to Poland
August 24th- August 30th
The United States wins the gold medal in men's basketball. This wasn't really a surprise to anyone. Although the finals game was relatively close, the U.S. won their games by an average of….let's see here…a million skillion points.
Barak Obama officially accepts the Democratic nomination for president. Highlighting the week are speeches by his wife, his V.P and Bill and Hillary Clinton. Despite sounding like one of the aliens from Mars attacks, Hillary rouses the crowd and throws her support behind Obama. Bill Clinton also supports Obama in his speech going as far as to praise him as a "sentient carbon based being who very well might have leadership skills as far as he can tell."
In an effort to detract from the momentum gained from the Democratic convention, Republican Nominee John Mcain unveils his Vice Presidential selection. Many felt the pick would be Mitt Romney, Tim Pawlenty, or some other recognizable experienced candidate. To the delight of his party after a vetting process that must have taken several minutes, Mcain chose…Some lady from Alaska that no one ever heard of. Uh….I don't even know what to say here….um…Talk amongst yourselves I need a whole post for this one.
Analysis: Mixed. I feel pretty good, but my brain kind of hurts.
August 31st- September 6th
Hurricane Gustav hits the U.S. just as the Republicans are beginning their convention. This of course proves there is a god, and that he/she is a lot funnier than I ever gave credit for. New Orleans is evacuated again although this time they do it before all the water gets there. No major relief effort is needed this time. That is fortunate because the head of FEMA was busy coordinating a neighborhood garage sale that weekend.
In other hurricane news, Hannah and Ike, which incidentally sounds like a show on Nickelodeon, both make their way into the southern part of the U.S. New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin tells residents to, and this is a quote "live somewhere more sensible."
It is reported that Republican Vice Presidential nominee Sarah Palin's 17 year old daughter is 5 months pregnant. Palin, who is an ardent supporter of abstinence only education in high schools, is asked by a reporter to give her definition of irony in statement of 30 words or less.
In good news, U.S secretary of state Condoleeza Rice meets with Libyan dictator Muammar Khadafy and apparently they are dating. Just kidding. Although real reports from the meeting stated Khadafy was gushing about Rice and calling her "Leeza." Afterwards there were drinks, dancing and even a little light petting. Ok I made up the last part.
Analysis: Who knows? I'm tired.
September 7th-
Let's see. As far as big news goes. The anniversary of the September 11th attacks was observed but frankly I missed it because of all the stories about the new IPods that were on t.v. On one hand you had a story about a tragic event that shocked the world and changed the course of history, but on the other hand the new IPods have touch screens. Gee no wonder the skewed coverage.
Ok, I know what a lot of you are saying. Hey, what about the whole Russia-Georgia thing? Frankly, no one understands it. We like the Russians, we don't like the Russians. We like freedom and independence, we don't like freedom and independence. Support one side, both sides, neither side? Who knows? The whole thing makes me crazy. I looked into Putin's eyes and I didn't see his soul, and I was supposed to. I'm damn confused. You figure it out.
Whew! That was a lot of writing. I really have to keep this up on a more regular basis. This two month thing is a little silly. Well thanks for reading. We'll see you again soon.
Jay
1 comments:
I can't believe they won't let Chapman out of jail. If he doesn't make parole fast, there won't be any Beatles left for him to go after. Seriously, let him out now, before Ringo records another album. Seriously.
I'm a big enough fan of Lennon's to own a copy of Two Virgins, which is, ironically, how I understand why Mark David Chapman shot him.
welcome back.
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