I'm a P.C and I'm pissed

I saw one of those ads today. You know the ones I mean. The Mac ads with the fat guy and the smug hipsterish kid. These ads always let me know that because I use a p.c. instead of a mac I am

a. way behind the curve
b. sexually unnattractive


Ok fine. Marketing ploys are marketing ploys. I understand apple has a tradition of making hip, innovative products. Sure, Ipods are pretty cool, macs are generally sleeker and the applications they produce vary from interesting curiosities to outright must haves. But hey apple, I have have request for you

Can I please register for your online video contest, or do I have to drive out to your fucking headquarters to do it in person?


That's all I'm asking here. Really, That's it. I went to your website earlier. What I was trying to do was register for the Insomnia 24 hour film contest. You see I just heard about it and it's the sort of thing that is up my alley. So I went to your site and tried to register. It seemed easy.

Step one. Click the button that says "Register now."
Steps two- one thousand. Get really pissed off and embarrass myself infront of the entire computer lab.


Maybe my first hint of a problem was when the button that said, and this is a direct quote, "register now" didn't do anything. Not like just didn't work, or started to work and then froze. What I mean here is, the button on your website isn't a button you tragically hip assholes! Instead of a button that you, I don't know...click, you get a void. A useless piece of text that instructs you to do something that you can't do. That's quality work...dicks.

I also tried to click the hyperlinked text above the button. I figured some text that was once again inviting me to do something might actually let me do it. Let's see where it takes me. Oooooh, the home page for the gallery of previously entered teams. Oooooh what fun! Now I can look at all the people who the website actually worked for! Why don't you just send out emails to handicapped people inviting them to look at pictures of people who can walk and stuff? Heartless bastards.


I know what you people are saying.

"Hey, Jay, you have to be doing something wrong. I mean, Apple has their shit together. They certainly wouldn't put together a website that just takes you into an endless loop between three pages each sending you to an equally useless location."

No, they first made me create a log-in and share some personal information before they took me into an endless loop between three pages each sending you to an equally useless location. Ass bandits.

But please someone send me an email telling about their award winning customer service. I'm dying to hear about how a website that offers you no way to connect directly to anyone has won awards. Sure you can call a number if you have purchased a laptop, I-phone or one of the thousand varieties of pods out there. But got a problem with the web site? Three words for ya.


1. Go
2. Fuck
3. Yourself


Spite. That's what I have for them. They just work. Tee hee hee. Really, do they? I have been through hundreds, Hell, thousands of websites. I have registered, purchased, signed up and logged in to more things than I would care for myself or the FBI to remember. Never have I experienced the joy of log-in, click here to register, you are logged in, click to continue, click here to register, you are logged in, click to continue, ad-in fucking-finitum.

What do I do now smug little mac fella? Please tell me about how Vista sucks. That will ease my mind. Crow about the dozen or so products that are exclusive to your platform that I just can't live without. Convince me that a laptop or desktop of yours that is double the price of a similarly configured p.c is the smart choice. While you're at it, tell me what overpriced coffee I should drink, what clothes are cool this season, how I can achieve the perfect cool hairdo and what new niche application I absolutely need to add value to my life. I need you now tonight Apple. I need you more than ever.

I'll try again tomorrow to register for your contest. I know I can log-in, the rest is up to you. By the way having your mailing address as "1 Infinite Loop" is either really funny or really sadistic. I am currently trying to figure out which.


Award winning my ass.